I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
