I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
