Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My vagina is very pro this idea
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
