Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i will never coherently bang her
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
