Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
