So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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