so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
