Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
