I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
They have beer where we have blood.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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