man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
