I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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