I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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