even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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