Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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