You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.