There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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