she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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