I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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