I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
