I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
