this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Mom said you looked used
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
