There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
