don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
