I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
