My nipple is on Facebook.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
