Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
