I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
not ubering you a puppy
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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