Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
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If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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