My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
