I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
