i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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