I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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