Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
