Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
