M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
