You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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