why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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