i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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