Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You took a bar mat shot.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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