I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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