I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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