i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
