I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
