why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
