never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
home. puking in laundry basket.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
