now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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