My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
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We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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