Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
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you had me at cake vodka
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..