i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
