my phone needs a breathalizer
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
