Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
