Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
