normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
