mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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