had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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