Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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